fieeeee

I'm so ridiculously complicated.


I thought so much about the entire situation.

And wouldn't you like to know? Everyone seem to tell me the same thing.







And I'm trying.
But people do say you're not persistent enough.
Should I be worried about that?

 I lay awake stuck by this fickle thorn.
I lay with you so they won't sink in their claws.
I lay awake while the beasts and the whores are
Dancing in the jaws of a landfill.

Am I ever gonna let you in before I see it coming?
Systematic in decay.

I'm dying to feel what you feel now.
You've already been such a sweetheart.
And I know we all get scared.
We all get scared.

Too much head, but too little heart, oh honey:
I want your touch, such a shame that I am numb honey.
Too much head, but too little heart, oh honey:
Not meant to be this way

Lover, lover, lover you'll never know-
You'll never know, because-
Lover, lover breathing down my neck;
Incendiary breath, and still my lover is a burden.
Tell me something could you smell my fear
As I lay there cringing on your bed?

I'm dying to feel what you feel now.
You've already been such a sweetheart.
And I know we all get scared.
We all get scared.

Too much head, but too little heart oh honey:
I want your touch, such a shame that I am numb honey.
Too much head, but too little heart oh honey:
Not meant to be this way.

Maybe my seed found purchase in your soil.
It's just a fight, a futile fight to feel connected.
I lay awake stuck by this fickle thorn.
Instead of tending to it's prick, I lay, infected.

Am using a temporary number! Find me on msn!

sometimes i just wanna shut everything out.

Still crying every night.


How long more?



/+

edit

NAAAAAAAAAAT!! I KNOW YOU DONT READ THIS BUT I WANT PICTURES. XD

why am i so stupid? the signs were obvious. so fucking obvious.

now talking to you will be such a pain. and i have to stop myself. from feeling anything if i do happen to talk to you.

Walked home the same path we walked when you send me back to my sis.

Remember the stupid sign that changed when you said "the world stopped"? It never seems to change now. Perhaps the world really has stopped. Maybe my world has but not for a good reason.

I suddenly had a flood of memories from the past month. All the nonsensical jokes you made. The things you laughed at. How you thought it was funny that I hid behind your shoulder.

You singing(:

Ahh. That hurt inside and I nearly crumbled and fell onto the floor.

And that thought of YOU.
You breaking apart.
Falling to the ground.
Tearing apart.

But the happier and older; still, happier moments.

The thing I'm curious about is why are the scenes when you left me alone won't stop playing in my head?
I just realised.
Three times you left me.
Twice you didn't come back.
Once you only called to say sorry and suddenly everything was right again.





I feel like I'm mixing up all these memories together, it's one whole tangle of yarn.
lol. what a stupid analogy.


Sigh. In conclusion?
Get back to your damn work, Nurasyikin Binte Ishak.
The world's not waiting for you to recover.

/+

I like to see people's happiness!
Like my self-proclaimed bestie hahahahha!
Betul tak!
Go sing for her! :P
I cheer for you ahh XD

I reread the post you wrote.
All filled with thanks.

Somehow I feel like you shouldn't be since the end became this way. Then again, I said it myself that it's the journey that counts.


Tonight I travel alone with my heart ache. I can no longer wait for the night to come and for a phone call.

B used to call me every night, but one of us will become upset when the other sleeps.

BestFriend first called me to check whether I'm okay and then sang to me.



I think it's some sort of a retribution to me. I may have that many friends but at night, I only hear the silence around me. It's not the nice comforting silence, but something that haunts me. Last night, I curled up into a ball and cried for a good 20 minutes before I felt numb and succumbed to exhaustion.

It'll probably be a routine for the next few weeks before I overcome this pain.


I've not done much work lately and I've only a week left. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking, taking up these many commitments. And as much as they are suppose to now push away all this pain, I end up losing so much motivation, that nothing is done.





I'm no longer talking to B, but don't misunderstand me. We broke up with proper 'goodbye's and 'take care's and 'be strong's. It was a gentle ending yet brought more pain quietly. We no longer talk so that it's easier for us to move on. Or something.

I'm hardly talking to BestFriend because there's a wall that I've put up just so I can heal myself first. I guess he put his up too because when I lower mine, all I get is this subtle cold shoulder.

But I expected it.


So this is my start on a path alone, after so long.



I have many friends, but I know; this path? This path I take alone.

 dear power ranger,
if you think im merepek/nonsense then you should just tell me straight to the face.
slap me maybe.
try me. 

yours truly,
ZORDON

its never abt me, its always about you.

I have to admit that I do miss you. In every way.

But my heart took this turn, this path to our journey to get closer to Him. And here I am to follow. He didn't show me the path the way He showed the both of you, through dreams and signals. He laid it all out subtly to me and through my heart and feelings.

This was the choice.

It does bring this dull ache in my heart that I've been carrying since I wrote the last post. But I am firm with my decision. All I need to do now is get back on my feet and stride on.

I'm a little happier in a sense. I suddenly find myself needing to be closer to Him. I've always neglected that part of me I know. But this is when I really, finally realise that He has always been there for me.

I find myself being reminded by my heart about the obligations that I hold towards Him. This life is temporary. I will never know when He'll take me away. So in the meantime, I better pay back all the mistakes I've made.

I guess I'm stronger in a way. I may still have that dazed look in my eyes when I look far away but in my heart I just know I can do this.

I have the support of my family and friends. And that is more worthwhile than brooding over memories that can only remain as memories.

Mum was a little upset, but she cares. And that's more important(:

I love my family.
I love my friends too! And to those who has been worried though not telling me straight in the face but telling other people, I'm fine!

Okay, not perfectly fine yet but I will be InsyaAllah.

<3 you guys(:

To those I've not met up with.... hellooooooo where are you heheehe!

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not because you don’t trust them, but to see how much they’ll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let them go, not because you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back

 time and again.
you still dont learn, dont you?
you are always taking things lightly.
cos you know i will always come back to you no matter what.
maybe.
maybe.
just maybe.

im moving out when i turn 20.
no more bull.
so you wont have to be 'embarassed' ANYMORE. ANYFUCKINGMORE.

And when I see you again, I pray you are stronger and better.

I pray that He is always there for you. You've been my superhero and my sillyboy for two years.

Yoshi will always be on my bed(:

Goodbye, Bany Sayang<3

i still remember how i used to look up to you, how i used to tell her that you were the one for her. 
i remember how humble your smile is. your face your smile, it marks how nice you are.
i was trying so hard to understand the situation and believe that it wasnt your fault. but as days goes by, i realised you are the monster.
i tried accepting you as a friend, knowing that you will help me and be true to me, and hear all my shits, but you ended up being a total ass.
someone who just cant be bothered with anything else. but yourself. you never did fall before.
there you go giving people hopes and just crash it like that.
i dont understand why the others still accept you for who you are.
cos i cant take it anymore.
you are disgusting. you are worst then i could imagine.
you are just someone who cant accept defeat. someone who gets everything they want. someone who never did fall once.
thank you for everything you have done for me. i appreciate it.
but i just cant stand you, now.
you have just lost a friend whom you once cried to. a friend who have helped you a lot, having faith and believe in you. giving you all my support. i will NEVER trust you again. 
hear me out,
YOU WERE ONCE SOMEONE WHOM I RESPECT AND ADORE, NOW YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND, no not really, acquaintance would be perfecto. bodoh.

if your definition of 'friends' is putting your own relationship at risk, then you have so much to learn.
if your definition of 'loving someone' is hurting the other, then you have so much to learn.
you are drown in your own lies. you are crushing every girls heart youve met. and youre repeating your mistakes over and over AGAIN

i pity your victimSSSSSSSS. and please, dont think youre some big shot. cause youre nothing but a complete liar.  
false hopes, cheated feelings and bringing tears. thats what youre only good at giving.
you dont deserve her unconditional love for you. or anyone's for that matter.

one word. asshole. oh yes, you are.

have a blissful LIFE ahead. well,  GOOD LUCK,